UPDATE! Michael Phelps Caught Smoking Weed

Scandal! Human fish Michael Phelps has been caught smoking a bong. That is, according to The News of the World, which means there's a 1% chance it's actually Phelps and a 99% chance it's any frat guy across America. See the photo here and judge for yourself.

UPDATE: The photo is real! Phelps issued the following statement in regards to the picture:

" 'I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in the statement released by one of his agents. "I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.' "

Translation: "I'm so sorry. I promise my fans and the public that I will do the right thing from now on: only smoke pot alone on my couch while watching Family Guy."

Source

Super Bowl Snack Plans: Buffalo Wings Edition

If you're like me, number 2 or 3 on the "why I'm excited for the Super Bowl" list is the food. Today I was reading this story about how the price of buffalo wings has gone up, probably due to the economy and the high cost of getting 2 tiny wings from a whole buffalo. Think that was stupid? Check out this real-life conversation a guy had to have when ordering wings:

Hooters Chick: Thank you for calling Hooters, how can I help you?
J: Hi, I would like to place a ToGo order for Sunday.
HC: Ummmm....today is Friday....
J: Yes, I know. Do you take orders in advance?
HC: Ummm....I'm not sure, let me go check.
At this point I'm put on hold for a solid five minutes.
HC: OK, we can go ahead and take your order.
J: Good. I would like to get 120 medium wings.
HC: ...
J: Umm, that's all I need.
HC: Oh, OK. Can I get your name?
J: My name is Jeremy.
HC: And what's your phone number?
J: xxx-xxx-8943
HC: Can you say that again?
J: xxx-xx-8943
HC: 943?
J: Yes
HC: HELLO!?!
J: I said YES!
HC: 943?
J: YES!
HC: What's the other number?
J: Huh? Oh, it's 8943!
HC: Oh, OK. So it's 120 medium wings, correct?
J: Yes.
HC: Do you need any ranch or blue cheese with that?
J: Ranch, I guess.
HC: Well how much do you want?
J: I don't know, how much would be enough for 120 wings?
HC: Ummmmmm, I'm not sure. They're in little dishes, so it would be a lot.
J: *sigh*
J: Does ranch come with the wings, or is it an extra charge?
HC: Oh, it's $.69 per order.
J: Nevermind then. I'll just get my own ranch.
HC: OK, what time did you want to pick it up?
J: Four o'clock.
HC: OK *click*

Most likely he's gonna end up with 943 cups of ranch.

Source

Tony Romo Cheats on Jessica Simpson (Allegedly)

The creme de la creme of reputable media Star Magazine reports that Tony Romo cheated on his girlfriend Jessica Simpson:

"Amid Jessica's gold albums, the party raged on downstairs. But on the second floor, Tony was enjoying his own private party — with a long haired, olive-skinned cutie."

A "long haired, olive-skinned cutie?'" My guess is Troy Polamalu.

Giants' Stolen Super Bowl Rings Recovered

If one man can crack this case, it's Fozzie Bear.

I must have blacked out in June 2008 because I don't remember this story at all. Apparently 27 Super Bowl rings that belonged to the New York Giants were stolen and have finally been recovered:

"The Essex District Attorney's office said investigators found the rings Tuesday in a bank safe deposit box in the town of Saugus. Prosecutors said 22-year-old Kristen Sullivan, who allegedly rented the box, was being held on a charge of receiving stolen property and would be arraigned Wednesday. Sullivan was one of three people arrested Friday in the $2 million robbery of jewelry manufacturer E.A. Dion Inc. in Attleboro."

Call me crazy, but if I were a 22 year old jewel thief, I would only target little old arthritic ladies that would be preferably blind and/or deaf. Who I would not target are 27 pissed off professional football players aptly named the "Giants."

Source

Rocky the Bear Chooses Super Bowl Winner

Pittsburgh Zoo resident "Rocky" the Kodiak bear predicted the victor of Super Bowl XLIII:

"Rocky, a Kodiak bear, chooses the winner of Super Bowl XLIII during a Steelers rally Saturday at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium in Highland Park. Kodiak accurately predicted the winner of Super Bowl XL in 2006."

Using my expert journalistic expertise, I was able to dig up what I think is a scandal! Here are my clues: the bear's from Pittsburgh, he's at the Pittsburgh zoo, his only last successful pick was Pittsburgh in 2006, and the bowl contents are suspiciously out of sight. Nah, I give up. The bear has ESP.

Source

Giant Crybaby Reviews the NFL Playoffs

Get me the number of a network exec; this guy needs his own show! I'm tired of the objectivity of the sports media. We need more fat man-babies. There's not much else I can say about this clip other than I'm just glad it didn't end up on video all over the internet. That would just be embarrassing.

Click here if you can't see the above video.

What's Better Than One Alley-oop? Two Alley-oops.

If it's one thing basketball needs more of, it's the alley-oop. Maybe this clip is only funny to me since I spent a good 20 minutes annoying everyone last night by yelling alley-oop! after every shot during the Mavs vs. Pistons game. But either way, it's a cool clip.

Click here if you can't see the above video.

Cowboys Looking to Hire Joe Schmo

Who knew Irvin had a radio show with Steve Buscemi?

A wise person would say to Dallas, "Hey Cowboys! You've embarrassed yourselves. Lay low for a while." But since Jerry Jones only listens to Jerry Jones, that memo never got through. The newest Cowboy's venture is another reality show:

"According to Bloomberg News, former Dallas Cowboys receiver and alleged car-jacking escapee Michael Irvin will produce a show for Spike TV in which 12 participants vie for the chance to compete in Cowboys training camp."

Naturally this is the best way to find the next sports star. Why hire professionals to pour over college athletes when you can have Spike TV, a network whose 5 original shows include one starring this guy, to hire your next employee?

Source

College Basketball Player Uses Opponent's Face as a Trampoline

I don't care what anyone says; I like sports bloopers. So I was pleasantly surprised to find this little clip of some college basketball player using someone's face to catapult his dunk. The future Globetrotter's name is Jarrett Johnson from Anderson University and his human diving board is Mason Ambler from Coker College. Take note of how nobody helps Ambler up. Being oucasted by a college that sounds like they teach you how to cook meth is pretty impressive.

Barack Obama's a Bad Bowler, But Hopefully a Good Leader

America has taken a pause from American Idol auditions to take notice of our new president, Barack Obama. I've been rifling through articles about Obama's role in sports, but they've all been so wordy (I don't like to read anything that doesn't pop up). I did however find and interesting story about Obama's bowling skills:

"Barack Obama has run a largely gaffe-free campaign. Until he picked up a bowling ball. While attempting to woo blue collar voters in Pennsylvania, the Democratic frontrunner bowled a 37, while rolling several balls into the gutter."

Yeah, this story's totally old, but a 37?! If he wanted to "woo blue collar voters in Pennsylvania," all he had to do was buy everyone a round of Pabst and a free arcade game of Buck Hunter.

Either way, congratulations Barack Obama and we at the BWB send you good wishes!

Source: Read the article if you want some Obama bowling jokes from people not nearly as funny as I am, like that ginger kid Conan O'Brien.

The BWB Loves Tony Romo

I got tired of biting my fingernails during the Eagles/Cardinals game, so I decided to take a blog break and see where our hits come from. Well, I found out that 99.9% of our traffic comes from Google. But not just Google; more specifically Tony Romo. If you Google "Tony Romo," the 3rd picture at the top links to this blog and an old story I posted about Tony Romo possibly being in Jessica Simpson's next video. Since then, Simpson's career has gone down faster than a fat kid standing on balsa wood. So we won't be seeing Tony Romo on Vh1 anytime soon, but the post is my oneway ticket to fame street. Here's to you Tony Romo and Google! And if I couldn't say Tony Romo enough in this post as a sad attempt for more traffic, here's some more: Tony Romo, Tony Romo, Tony Romo.

Donovan McNabb: Underrated, Overrated, Hydrated?

There's been a lot of McNabb talk going around so I thought I'd share my opinion. First off, I've lived in Philly country for a long time, so McNabb and I go way back. Back to the 8th grade actually, when I won a plastic Eagles dinner placemat in gym class for getting my hula-hoop closest to the traffic cone (true story). So I like McNabb. He's talented and nice, yet everyone I ask hates the guy. For my life's sake, I'm not going to come down on Philly fans, but give the guy a break. He's a great player who's managed to last and succeed in one of the most critical sports cities. One thing's for sure, his website makes him look fat.

Note: The headline makes no sense. I couldn't find anything that rhymed with "ated" that didn't go into poo humor. Like constipated.

Terrell Owens Might Lose His Job

Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys might have to find a new place to flaunt his abs, because there's a rumor circling that he's going to be let go.

"At least two sources believe that vice president Stephen Jones will try to convince his father that Owens should be released despite the salary cap hit the team would take."

Some people are saying that this may be T.O.'s permanent departure from the NFL since his previous antics may cost him. Yeah right. It's going to take a lot more from T.O. to not have a job than just being annoying. Like vandalism, or possessing marijuana, or punching a woman at a strip club, or all of those things over and over again. Oh wait. You can do all of that and still get resigned. Go Cowboys!

Source

Orlando Magic Sets Record

Like something out of a Peter Jackson movie, Magic beat the Kings last night 139-107 by setting a new 3-pointer record; 23 in fact.

" 'No disrespect to the other team, but we're excited about getting the record, an NBA record,' guard Jameer Nelson said. "Everyone is going to have trouble guarding the 3 against us because Dwight is so tough to stop in the middle.' "

Talk about magic! There must have been some kind of witchery involved. Or flubber. Or Shaq's alter ego Kazaam! the boom box genie. Or a desperate need to update my movie references.

Source

Note: Here's a recipe for flubber for anyone who's interested. Because nothing says "no mess" like kids playing with glue and food coloring.

The BWB Reviews 'The Wrestler'

The Wrestler is a simple movie that follows washed out pro Robin Ramzinski (a.k.a. Randy "The Ram" Robinson) as he finds wrestling gigs in American Legion Halls and tries to connect with an aging stripper and his estranged daughter. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but mostly you'll fall in love with The Ram in all of his puffy, self-tanned, steroid-filled glory. It's a great movie and definitely my favorite of 2008. My only criticism is casting pretty Marisa Tomei as "old stripper from a crappy strip club in New Jersey." Am I honestly supposed to believe that she's not getting any tips because of her looks? I've been to crappy strip clubs in New Jersey, and someone who looks like Tomei would get pah-lenty of cash. Honestly, anyone without pimples on their butt and who's not 3 months pregnant would be a fresh change in those places.

IMDB

Back on Track!

Thanks to the support of my fans...err...fan, okay just me, I've decided to reenter the blogging world. Why'd I leave you ask? Busy at work, busy at grad school, but mostly because I forgot my Blogger username and password. Well I'm back. And since I've missed almost 6 months of reporting sports news, I've decided to some it up in a little poem:

The summer Olympics started off with a blast,
some guy named Phelps swam really fast.
The Rays tried and tried but it ended up tragic,
they were beaten by that green weirdo
the Phillie Phanatic.
The NFL suffered a bunch of messed up knees,
with none being the worst than Tom Brady's
who had a season-ending injury.
The year would be without Tom, yippee!
But we had a new/old player and his name was Bret,
who decided to trade in cheese for a big jumbo Jet.
The season ended, and many coaches were fired,
like those who would have been fine if Bret stayed retired.
Now we're at the playoffs and only time will tell,
who is the best team in the whole NFL.
The End.