It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I sold my soul to Bravo TV a long time ago. My latest addiction is Vanderpump Rules: a reality show centered around Real Housewives of Beverley Hills star Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant and its staff. It’s already episode 4, and this is my first recap, so let’s do a quick synopsis of episodes 1-3.
This is Stassi. She’s a bitch. She was dating this guy:
Until she found out he (Jax) got a hooker knocked up 2 months ago. Two days after dumping Jax, she’s with the guy who told her about the hooker baby, who used to be friends with her ex. They all work here:
...along with some other cast members who aren't that interesting yet.
So onto episode 4! Stassi broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, Jax, because he's too "immature" and sleeps in his car after she treats him like garbage. Jax, who must have grown a pussy within those 2 years, is freakishly codependent on this chick, and is trying to win her back at all costs. Stassi's having her 24th birthday party in Las Vegas and is bringing her new boyfriend, Frank, whom everyone hates. Why they don't hate Stassi, I don't know, but they hate Frank at this point.
Jax was uninvited to Stassi's birthday. Now call me crazy, but if my ex threw me out of our apartment, put cigarette butts in all of my Cristal, and then started dating my friend a day later, I'd be done. But not Jax. Jax, like the self-respecting man who he is, decides to show up to her Vegas birthday weekend anyway. Good idea! But before Stassi found out he was there, he first sends a ridiculous bouquet of flowers to her (and Frank's) room:
|Katie and Kristen (Team Jax) ogling the bouquet.|
A bunch of stupid filler stuff happens for a while, including the gang going to see the Chippendales while Jax lies around in the hotel room until he decides it's time to crash the party. So he puts on his finest, white button-up sweater, and heads to the Moroccan restaurant where everyone is eating. That's when the Stassi really hits the fan. Jax shows up, Stassi gets pissed, and the rest of the crew stands up for Jax. This includes Tom Schwartz:
...who's dating either Kristen or Katie, I don't know/care. Either way, Stassi gets more pissed, and the words and shirts start flying. The argument goes outside, where half the male cast take off their tops:
Also, Jax starts screaming at Frank, calling him a "pun" (douche talk for "pawn") and telling him to, and I kid not, "taste his dick."
After the slapfight, Stassi alienates everyone by hanging out with the B-group of Sur, including the bussers and servers she didn't invite right away knowing they couldn't get the night off. Lisa Vanderpump and her husband hang out with the Pomeranians, and Stassi and her saggy tits skinny dip in a hotel pool with her new bffs.
On the next episode I get to talk about Scheanna, the Eddie Cibrian home wrecker who's also in the cast, and who is surprisingly the most normal.