The Benchwarmer's Blog

Tom Brady Reinvents The Term 'Shotgun Wedding'

2009-04-06T12:18:00.002-04:00

Like most celebs, Tom Brady and new wife Gisele Bundchen had another wedding this weekend because, you know, nothing says "Look how awesome we are!" like making your guests shell out another 200 bucks at Bed Bath and Beyond. This time, however, the nuptials didn't go as smoothly.

"According to local reports, one of Gisele's bodyguards fired gunshots at a photographer in Costa Rica. French news agence Agence France-Presse reports that Bundchen's guard fired a gun in the direction of a paparazzo who was unwilling to hand over his camera, presumably with photos of the couple's private wedding. Another photographer for Al Dia, a local Costa Rican photographer was in the car when the shots rang out. He wasn't hurt, but reportedly filed a police report on the incident."

All I wanna know is how can I hire this ridiculously over reactive body guard? "What?! You didn't give her extra cheese?" Kaplow!

Source

The 'Other' Jay Cutler

2009-03-31T23:25:00.003-04:00

I was going to post something about the ongoing Jay Cutler drama, but then I Googled his name to find a photo and that's when things went astray for I discovered the "other" Jay Cutler: a giant diarrhea-colored man. I don't know why I'm fascinated with body-builders other than the fact that they take everything that society says we should do to ourselves and then do the exact opposite. That's how you end up looking like this:
Hooray for fanny packs!

A Rod Likes The Uglies

2009-03-24T16:25:00.002-04:00

For Alex Rodriguez, life's getting worse and worse. The recent allegation is that he had a romantic involvement with Kristin Davis, a madam a.k.a. lady pimp, while he was married. Now A Rod's not the best looking guy in the face department, but he's super fit and super rich which instantly grants him the power of getting practically any woman in the world. So I can't understand why he keeps choosing women who look like they were born with something extra. And by extra, I don't mean sex appeal. Wink, wink.

Source

A-Rod Kisses Himself In Details Magazine

2009-03-17T14:58:00.002-04:00

Baseball's most recently infamous athlete is grazing the cover of Details magazine. I'm just glad Details hits with the hard questions. Like "What's your favorite Madonna song?" Go here for the full story and pictures from the shoot. I'm not sure who Details is supposed to appeal to, but A-Rod on top of a dirty mattress in some basement does nothing for me besides being a tad unsettling.

1920's Reporter Guys Is Doing It All Wrong

2009-03-15T15:08:00.002-04:00

I hadn't heard of "1920s Reporter Guy" until this weekend, and while I'm a huge fan of fast-talkin' Depression-era themed anything, but I was a little disappointed. First of all, where's the funny mustache? If you're going to whore your press pass in hopes of higher ratings for your radio show, you gotta do it right. I'm talking this guy:

Syracuse Beats UConn In The Longest Game Ever

2009-03-13T22:49:00.003-04:00

After almost 4 hours and 6 overtimes of basketball, Syracuse beat UConn 127 to 117. After a minute and a half on the treadmill, I cramp out and have to hit the stationary bikes, so I'm highly impressed by these young athletes. After their victory, Syracuse even had enough strength to pose for this team picture:

Michael Strahan Is A Creepy Spy

2009-03-06T18:38:00.004-05:00

Someone better call Joey Greco because he's got competition. According to the NY Post, Michael Strahan has been spying on his girlfriend in order to catch her cheating.

When the gap-toothed ex-Giant suspected his longtime girlfriend of cheating, he put a tracking device in her car - and went ballistic when she found it, sources told The Post.

Oh but the story doesn't end there. Apparently this isn't the first time Strahan's been caught snooping.

During his nasty 2006 divorce trial, Strahan's ex-wife, Jean, accused the hulking defensive lineman of using high-tech spyware to tap her phone at their New Jersey mansion. She also revealed at the trial that he'd installed a secret video system to record her sister undressing.

There are a few things I've learned from this story. For one, having a gap in your front teeth is never a good look, and two, if Michael Strahan ever invites me to a pool party, I'm getting changed beforehand.

Tom Brady Goes Topless

2009-03-04T16:44:00.005-05:00

I go on and on about how I think Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are both butterfaces, but these recent pictures of a shirtless Brady make me think he's just mostly butter. All I'm saying is that when you're married to this, it wouldn't hurt to tone a little more. Plus I'll use any excuse to post that above photo.

Search Ends For Missing NFL Players

2009-03-03T20:51:00.003-05:00

Marquis Cooper

Recently the news of 3 football players that went missing at sea when they were thrown off their fishing boat has been on everyone's minds. Unfortunately, the search for Oakland Raider's Marquis Cooper, free-agent Corey Smith, and former South Florida player William Bleakely has ended.

"After three days of combing 24,000 miles of ocean, the Coast Guard on Tuesday stopped searching for two NFL players and a third man lost in rough, chilly Gulf of Mexico waters off the Florida coast.

“I think they were not to be found,” Robert Bleakley said."

This is very sad news and must be unbearable for all of those close to the players especially when you factor in the constant thought that they may be alive. Hopefully there will someday be a more positive ending to this story.

Source

Manny Ramirez Says No To Dodgers' $45 Million

2009-03-02T15:54:00.002-05:00

I haven't been following the Manny Ramirez drama lately, mostly because A-Rod has been hogging the spotlight. But the latest is that Ramirez declined a $45 million deal from the Dodgers.

"The Dodgers announced last week that Ramirez had declined the team's latest offer, a $25 million, one-year contract for the 2009 season with a $20 million player option for 2010."

This makes me really want to hit the batting cages and go pro. Except I'm afraid of getting lice from those community helmets. And the fastballs scare me.

Source

Tom Brady And Gisele Bundchen Get Married

2009-02-26T22:52:00.002-05:00

The engagement rumors have been circling for some time now, but US Weekly reports that quarterback Tom Brady and girlfriend Gisele Bundchen got married.

"The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars."

Call me crazy, but I just don't think either of the two are attractive. There's no joke here. I just got home from a long day and all of my wit skills have run dry, so that's really all I have. Yup, they're kinda weird looking and will have tall kinda weird looking babies. The end.

Source

Jim Calhoun Hates Poor People

2009-02-23T19:44:00.004-05:00

UCONN coach Jim Calhoun was confronted by political activist and pretend reporter Ken Kreyeske during a press conference. The conversation went something like this:

Ken: Connecticut has no money and you make a lot of money.
Jim: Yeah and I'm not giving it to nobody!
Ken: But you make lots of money.
Jim: Actually I make lots and lots of money! Muahahahahaaha!

Then Calhoun told him to shut-up a bunch of times and that's about it. Actually I'm on no one's side here. The reporter was ass-annoying and Calhoun acted like a child, so the only winner here is us who get to enjoy this awkward moment and be glad we weren't involved. But then we feel sad that we don't get to make $1.6 million a year, so really we're all losers.

See the actual clip here or below:

Tiger Woods Returns To Golf, Some Are Not Impressed

2009-02-21T17:03:00.002-05:00

The golf world is a-buzzin' with the news that Tiger Woods will rejoin the sport after taking a leave due to a knee injury and birth of his new son. Examiner.com, however, thinks the news is so-so:

Sure, the confirmation of Tiger Woods’ return to competition next week dominated yesterday’s golf headlines...but it wasn’t the most significant development of the week.

Largely unnoticed Monday was the announcement in Hong Kong that the R&A, the Masters and the Asia Pacific Golf Confederation have joined forces to create the Asian Amateur Championship. The winner will earn a start in the following year’s Masters and the top two finishers will be exempt into International Final Qualifying for the British Open."

Frankly, before Tiger Woods I didn't give a rat's butt about golf and thought that Jack Nicklaus was great in "The Shining," so the news that he's coming back and making golf interesting again is much bigger than something that reads like the premise for Mark Burnett's new show.

Source

Tiger Woods Releases First Photos Of New Son

2009-02-18T19:59:00.002-05:00

Golfer Tiger Woods finally released the first photos of his son Charlie Axel. All babies that age look the same to me (like wrinkly mini potatoes), but Charlie's pretty cute. See the photos here. And no, the above pictures are not of the new son but of Tiger's daughter. I would have posted the actual photos if I weren't deathly afraid of Tiger Woods coming after me with a nine-iron screaming copyright infringement.

Lance Armstrong Uses Twitter To Get His Bike Back

2009-02-18T11:19:00.005-05:00

Recently, Lance Armstrong's very expensive bike was stolen and instead of running to his parents crying like I did when my bike was stolen, Armstrong decided to take a more modern approach:

"Armstrong sent out a rallying cry to the more than 128,000 Twitter members who have signed up to receive the brief text messages he routinely fires off on the popular micro-blogging service."

Some of his messages were:

" 'Whoa! They just came to my room and said our truck was broken into and someone stole my time trial bike!...APB out to the twitterati.' "

And:

" 'Hitting the sack early tonight...two days in the pouring rain has worn my old a…(expletive) out.' "

I like Lance Armstrong, so it weirds me out that he consistently sends little updates his pretend cyber friends. I'm just hoping he doesn't lower himself to this: "JuSt wON ThE TooRe De FrANce It WAs L33T, LoL OmG, mY pArENtS ArE SooOO LaME."

Source

Dale Earnhardt Jr Wants To Beat Up Brian Vickers

2009-02-17T06:27:00.006-05:00

I'm not a huge NASCAR fan but the recent Earnhardt Jr drama has been kind of exciting. Despite his claims that he felt no animosity towards Brian Vickers, Earnhardt apparently said the following to his crew during the race:

" 'Tell Vickers if he wants to meet me in the garage to get his ass beat, I'm willing.' "

If the fight actually took place, I imagine it would look something like this:

Source

Lance Armstrong Gets His $10,000 Bike Stolen

2009-02-16T15:22:00.003-05:00

Someone out there must hate Lance Armstrong because the cyclist's bike (which costs over $10,000) was recently stolen. I'm suspecting the culprit's either some French dude or Sheryl Crow. Although it's hard to tell the difference between the two. Get it? Because she looks like a guy. Ok, that was bad, but at least I didn't make a ball joke.

Source

Dale Earnhardt Jr Causes 9-Car Crash At The Daytona 500

2009-02-15T19:27:00.005-05:00

Dale Earnhardt Jr caused a 9-car crash at the Daytona 500 which included Kyle Busch, Jimmie Johnson, Kurt Busch, Robby Gordon, Denny Hamlin, Jamie McMurray, Scott Speed and Carl Edwards.

"Dale Earnhardt Jr. triggered a nine-car accident in the Daytona 500 that knocked rival Kyle Busch out NASCAR's biggest event of the year.

Busch had led a race-high 88 laps before the accident, which came just after a restart with 75 laps to go in Sunday's race at Daytona International Speedway."

Personally I'm just surprised there's actually a NASCAR driver named Scott Speed. That's like if my name were Suzy Sometimesfunnyblogger.

Source

Jeff Reed Proves To Be Even More Of A Douche

2009-02-14T22:23:00.002-05:00

Pittsburgh Steelers' kicker Jeff Reed and his invisible shirt have screwed up again:

"State police say Reed threw a temper tantrum at a Sheetz convenience store in New Alexandria, a tiny borough about 35 miles east of Pittsburgh, because its restroom didn't have any towels.

Reed has been cited for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, summary offenses similar to traffic tickets."

There are a few things funny with this story. For one, the place is ironically named Sheetz. The other is the realization that Reed and bathrooms equal embarrassment. Don't forget this is the same guy who's responsible for this photo (slightly NSFW).

Source

Um, Dating An Athlete Doesn't Count: AskMen's Top Women Of '09

2009-02-14T12:23:00.007-05:00

Something on FoxSports.com caught my eye today: a list of sports-related females that landed on AskMen's list of the top 99 women of '09. Sadly enough, the first 6 were the only athletes with the rest being starfudgers like Jessica Simpson and Eva Longoria. And what in the heck is Elizabeth Hasselbeck doing ranking well above Maria Sharapova?! It makes me wonder if these "men" they're asking are blind, missing a frontal lobe, or actually straight women. So for next year's vote, here's a little hint: Above is a photo of Maria Sharapova. Below is a picture of Elizabeth Hasselbeck. You be the judge. And yes, that's really her.

David Beckham's Still Here

2009-02-14T10:12:00.004-05:00

One of the biggest sports flops since the XFL has been David Beckham coming to America. And now despite his efforts to be traded to a team in Italy, it looks like Becks will stay put.

" 'I have nothing against the Galaxy," Beckham said. "Los Angeles has been a wonderful experience. But at Milan I have found great players who have been of great help to me. For the time being, things could not be going better.' "

I say just let him go. Hell hath no fury like a British metrosexual scorned.

Source

Brett Favre Retires Version 2.0

2009-02-13T16:15:00.003-05:00

Yes, this is already old and kinda boring, but Brett Favre announced he's retiring again.

"Favre played one season for the Jets, who were 8-3 at one point in the season but lost four of their last five games. Favre struggled late in the season and admitted he got tired, citing tougher travel among other things. The Jets made four West Coast trips in 2008."

For those of you who don't know, Favre owns a steakhouse that's cleverly named Brett Favre's Steakhouse. To me this sounds delicious because if it's one thing that comes to mind when I think of Brett Favre, it's aged meat. Oh snap!

Source

The BWB Reacts to the Michael Phelps Story

2009-02-11T12:25:00.003-05:00

Usually I just give the story and a witty quip at the end, but the Michael Phelps fiasco has a few people commenting so I thought I'd give a little personal opinion on the matter. And that opinion is that I don't care. Yes I think it's inappropriate for kids to see and hopefully doesn't encourage any of them to smoke pot, but 3 months suspension, a slew of lost corporate affiliates, and possible jail time? Give me a break! The proverbial public flogging he's received from having it all over the internet is punishment enough. Bah, that's enough seriousness. Here's a funny picture of cats:

Alex Rodriguez Gets Stalked By Sports Illustrated Reporter

2009-02-10T11:02:00.004-05:00

"She'll nevah catch me on the open sea!"

As with most A-Rod news the plot keeps thickening. As if getting caught doing steroids weren't bad enough for his image, A-Rod's now coming off like a crazy cheerleader who's just been dumped by the star quarterback:

"Rodriguez went on to say that [Selena] Roberts was tossed from his New York City apartment building, that she had to be escorted off of the University Miami campus by police when she sought out Rodriguez at the campus gym on Thursday and that she tried to break into his Miami home where his 'children were sleeping'. "

A-Rod just needs to admit he was wrong, apologize, and allow himself to be overshadowed by the other people on that steroid list.

Source : Viewer discretion's advised if you have a fear of Tomato Men.

A-Rod Admits to Using Steroids

2009-02-09T15:52:00.006-05:00

A-Rod's been a bad boy lately...or um 6 years ago...but at least he recently confessed to the recent steroid allegations:

" 'Back then, [baseball] was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young, I was stupid, I was naive. I wanted to prove to everyone I was worth being one of the greatest players of all time.' "

He then went on to say this:

" 'To be quite honest, I am sure of the (banned) substance I took.' "

2003 was a frightening time: We started to bomb Iraq, the star of Junior became the governor of California, and apparently if you didn't have a needle hanging out of your butt all the other baseball players made fun of you. And honestly, him having no idea of the substance he took sounds like a bunch of bologna. And yes, I had to sing that Oscar Mayer song to spell "bologna."

Source

No More Flakes for Phelps

2009-02-09T10:29:00.005-05:00

Thanks to his recent public bong hitting, swimmer Michael Phelps has lost many of his endorsement deals, now including Kellogg's. Things aren't looking good for Phelps since he chose the most boring time in sports to do something bad. Regardless, if Kellogg's wants to enforce their "no drugs" campaign, they should take a little look within their company. I mean, these are the same people who hired a steroid-filled tiger, a toucan who lives in the jungle but insists on having an English accent, and 3 elves who hear messages coming from bowls of cereal.

Source

A-Rod Does/Did Steroids...Yawn

2009-02-07T19:09:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's because I just woke up from a nap and naps make me groggy, but the news that A-Rod tested positive for steroids is about as interesting as my nap story:

"Rodriguez's name appears on a list of 104 players who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball's '03 survey testing, SI's sources say. As part of a joint agreement with the MLB Players Association, the testing was conducted to determine if it was necessary to impose mandatory random drug testing across the major leagues in 2004."

Meh, whatever. Give me a story about A-Rod doing something commendable, and then I'd be surprised.

Source

What Was Yo Momma Thinking?!

2009-02-04T10:43:00.003-05:00

This is teetering on being NSFW, but a Sports Illustrated website made a list of the 15 most outrageous athlete names. Here's just a little taste:

"#15. Dean Windass - A soccer player for Bradford City in West Yorkshire England.
#12. Natalie Titcum - Shes a Australian softball player who played in the Olympics.
#3. Dick Trickle - Famous Stock Car driver, estimated 1,200 wins."

My personal favorite is Lucious Pusey. A Pusey that weighs 200 lbs? Now that's Lucious!

Source

Local Station Airs Adult Video Clip During Super Bowl

2009-02-02T09:14:00.002-05:00

The Super Bowl consists of football, pigging out on food, rocking half-time shows, and commercials that you actually look forward to watching. As if that's not enough to draw in the average male viewer, a local network in Arizona found the only missing ingredient to make guy's heads explode (no pun intended):

"KVOA confirmed that about 10 seconds of pornographic video was fed to customers instead of the Super Bowl just after the Cardinals took a 23-20 lead in the fourth quarter. The incident appeared to have been isolated to Comcast customers."

I suspect the Slowskys had something to do with this.

Source

UPDATE! Michael Phelps Caught Smoking Weed

2009-01-31T21:13:00.006-05:00

Scandal! Human fish Michael Phelps has been caught smoking a bong. That is, according to The News of the World, which means there's a 1% chance it's actually Phelps and a 99% chance it's any frat guy across America. See the photo here and judge for yourself.

UPDATE: The photo is real! Phelps issued the following statement in regards to the picture:

" 'I engaged in behavior which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment," Phelps said in the statement released by one of his agents. "I'm 23 years old and despite the successes I've had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner people have come to expect from me. For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again.' "

Translation: "I'm so sorry. I promise my fans and the public that I will do the right thing from now on: only smoke pot alone on my couch while watching Family Guy."

Source

Super Bowl Snack Plans: Buffalo Wings Edition

2009-01-31T15:22:00.004-05:00

If you're like me, number 2 or 3 on the "why I'm excited for the Super Bowl" list is the food. Today I was reading this story about how the price of buffalo wings has gone up, probably due to the economy and the high cost of getting 2 tiny wings from a whole buffalo. Think that was stupid? Check out this real-life conversation a guy had to have when ordering wings:

Hooters Chick: Thank you for calling Hooters, how can I help you?
J: Hi, I would like to place a ToGo order for Sunday.
HC: Ummmm....today is Friday....
J: Yes, I know. Do you take orders in advance?
HC: Ummm....I'm not sure, let me go check.
At this point I'm put on hold for a solid five minutes.
HC: OK, we can go ahead and take your order.
J: Good. I would like to get 120 medium wings.
HC: ...
J: Umm, that's all I need.
HC: Oh, OK. Can I get your name?
J: My name is Jeremy.
HC: And what's your phone number?
J: xxx-xxx-8943
HC: Can you say that again?
J: xxx-xx-8943
HC: 943?
J: Yes
HC: HELLO!?!
J: I said YES!
HC: 943?
J: YES!
HC: What's the other number?
J: Huh? Oh, it's 8943!
HC: Oh, OK. So it's 120 medium wings, correct?
J: Yes.
HC: Do you need any ranch or blue cheese with that?
J: Ranch, I guess.
HC: Well how much do you want?
J: I don't know, how much would be enough for 120 wings?
HC: Ummmmmm, I'm not sure. They're in little dishes, so it would be a lot.
J: *sigh*
J: Does ranch come with the wings, or is it an extra charge?
HC: Oh, it's $.69 per order.
J: Nevermind then. I'll just get my own ranch.
HC: OK, what time did you want to pick it up?
J: Four o'clock.
HC: OK *click*

Most likely he's gonna end up with 943 cups of ranch.

Source

Tony Romo Cheats on Jessica Simpson (Allegedly)

2009-01-29T11:39:00.003-05:00

The creme de la creme of reputable media Star Magazine reports that Tony Romo cheated on his girlfriend Jessica Simpson:

"Amid Jessica's gold albums, the party raged on downstairs. But on the second floor, Tony was enjoying his own private party — with a long haired, olive-skinned cutie."

A "long haired, olive-skinned cutie?'" My guess is Troy Polamalu.

Giants' Stolen Super Bowl Rings Recovered

2009-01-29T10:11:00.006-05:00

If one man can crack this case, it's Fozzie Bear.

I must have blacked out in June 2008 because I don't remember this story at all. Apparently 27 Super Bowl rings that belonged to the New York Giants were stolen and have finally been recovered:

"The Essex District Attorney's office said investigators found the rings Tuesday in a bank safe deposit box in the town of Saugus. Prosecutors said 22-year-old Kristen Sullivan, who allegedly rented the box, was being held on a charge of receiving stolen property and would be arraigned Wednesday. Sullivan was one of three people arrested Friday in the $2 million robbery of jewelry manufacturer E.A. Dion Inc. in Attleboro."

Call me crazy, but if I were a 22 year old jewel thief, I would only target little old arthritic ladies that would be preferably blind and/or deaf. Who I would not target are 27 pissed off professional football players aptly named the "Giants."

Source

Rocky the Bear Chooses Super Bowl Winner

2009-01-28T10:16:00.004-05:00

Pittsburgh Zoo resident "Rocky" the Kodiak bear predicted the victor of Super Bowl XLIII:

"Rocky, a Kodiak bear, chooses the winner of Super Bowl XLIII during a Steelers rally Saturday at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium in Highland Park. Kodiak accurately predicted the winner of Super Bowl XL in 2006."

Using my expert journalistic expertise, I was able to dig up what I think is a scandal! Here are my clues: the bear's from Pittsburgh, he's at the Pittsburgh zoo, his only last successful pick was Pittsburgh in 2006, and the bowl contents are suspiciously out of sight. Nah, I give up. The bear has ESP.

Source

Giant Crybaby Reviews the NFL Playoffs

2009-01-27T12:02:00.003-05:00

Get me the number of a network exec; this guy needs his own show! I'm tired of the objectivity of the sports media. We need more fat man-babies. There's not much else I can say about this clip other than I'm just glad it didn't end up on video all over the internet. That would just be embarrassing.

Click here if you can't see the above video.

What's Better Than One Alley-oop? Two Alley-oops.

2009-01-24T12:01:00.003-05:00

If it's one thing basketball needs more of, it's the alley-oop. Maybe this clip is only funny to me since I spent a good 20 minutes annoying everyone last night by yelling alley-oop! after every shot during the Mavs vs. Pistons game. But either way, it's a cool clip.

Click here if you can't see the above video.

Cowboys Looking to Hire Joe Schmo

2009-01-23T10:40:00.005-05:00

Who knew Irvin had a radio show with Steve Buscemi?

A wise person would say to Dallas, "Hey Cowboys! You've embarrassed yourselves. Lay low for a while." But since Jerry Jones only listens to Jerry Jones, that memo never got through. The newest Cowboy's venture is another reality show:

"According to Bloomberg News, former Dallas Cowboys receiver and alleged car-jacking escapee Michael Irvin will produce a show for Spike TV in which 12 participants vie for the chance to compete in Cowboys training camp."

Naturally this is the best way to find the next sports star. Why hire professionals to pour over college athletes when you can have Spike TV, a network whose 5 original shows include one starring this guy, to hire your next employee?

Source

College Basketball Player Uses Opponent's Face as a Trampoline

2009-01-21T18:16:00.002-05:00

I don't care what anyone says; I like sports bloopers. So I was pleasantly surprised to find this little clip of some college basketball player using someone's face to catapult his dunk. The future Globetrotter's name is Jarrett Johnson from Anderson University and his human diving board is Mason Ambler from Coker College. Take note of how nobody helps Ambler up. Being oucasted by a college that sounds like they teach you how to cook meth is pretty impressive.

Barack Obama's a Bad Bowler, But Hopefully a Good Leader

2009-01-20T15:44:00.006-05:00

America has taken a pause from American Idol auditions to take notice of our new president, Barack Obama. I've been rifling through articles about Obama's role in sports, but they've all been so wordy (I don't like to read anything that doesn't pop up). I did however find and interesting story about Obama's bowling skills:

"Barack Obama has run a largely gaffe-free campaign. Until he picked up a bowling ball. While attempting to woo blue collar voters in Pennsylvania, the Democratic frontrunner bowled a 37, while rolling several balls into the gutter."

Yeah, this story's totally old, but a 37?! If he wanted to "woo blue collar voters in Pennsylvania," all he had to do was buy everyone a round of Pabst and a free arcade game of Buck Hunter.

Either way, congratulations Barack Obama and we at the BWB send you good wishes!

Source: Read the article if you want some Obama bowling jokes from people not nearly as funny as I am, like that ginger kid Conan O'Brien.

The BWB Loves Tony Romo

2009-01-18T17:45:00.005-05:00

I got tired of biting my fingernails during the Eagles/Cardinals game, so I decided to take a blog break and see where our hits come from. Well, I found out that 99.9% of our traffic comes from Google. But not just Google; more specifically Tony Romo. If you Google "Tony Romo," the 3rd picture at the top links to this blog and an old story I posted about Tony Romo possibly being in Jessica Simpson's next video. Since then, Simpson's career has gone down faster than a fat kid standing on balsa wood. So we won't be seeing Tony Romo on Vh1 anytime soon, but the post is my oneway ticket to fame street. Here's to you Tony Romo and Google! And if I couldn't say Tony Romo enough in this post as a sad attempt for more traffic, here's some more: Tony Romo, Tony Romo, Tony Romo.

Donovan McNabb: Underrated, Overrated, Hydrated?

2009-01-16T12:37:00.002-05:00

There's been a lot of McNabb talk going around so I thought I'd share my opinion. First off, I've lived in Philly country for a long time, so McNabb and I go way back. Back to the 8th grade actually, when I won a plastic Eagles dinner placemat in gym class for getting my hula-hoop closest to the traffic cone (true story). So I like McNabb. He's talented and nice, yet everyone I ask hates the guy. For my life's sake, I'm not going to come down on Philly fans, but give the guy a break. He's a great player who's managed to last and succeed in one of the most critical sports cities. One thing's for sure, his website makes him look fat.

Note: The headline makes no sense. I couldn't find anything that rhymed with "ated" that didn't go into poo humor. Like constipated.

Terrell Owens Might Lose His Job

2009-01-15T18:17:00.003-05:00

Terrell Owens of the Dallas Cowboys might have to find a new place to flaunt his abs, because there's a rumor circling that he's going to be let go.

"At least two sources believe that vice president Stephen Jones will try to convince his father that Owens should be released despite the salary cap hit the team would take."

Some people are saying that this may be T.O.'s permanent departure from the NFL since his previous antics may cost him. Yeah right. It's going to take a lot more from T.O. to not have a job than just being annoying. Like vandalism, or possessing marijuana, or punching a woman at a strip club, or all of those things over and over again. Oh wait. You can do all of that and still get resigned. Go Cowboys!

Source

Orlando Magic Sets Record

2009-01-14T12:32:00.006-05:00

Like something out of a Peter Jackson movie, Magic beat the Kings last night 139-107 by setting a new 3-pointer record; 23 in fact.

" 'No disrespect to the other team, but we're excited about getting the record, an NBA record,' guard Jameer Nelson said. "Everyone is going to have trouble guarding the 3 against us because Dwight is so tough to stop in the middle.' "

Talk about magic! There must have been some kind of witchery involved. Or flubber. Or Shaq's alter ego Kazaam! the boom box genie. Or a desperate need to update my movie references.

Source

Note: Here's a recipe for flubber for anyone who's interested. Because nothing says "no mess" like kids playing with glue and food coloring.

The BWB Reviews 'The Wrestler'

2009-01-13T17:52:00.003-05:00

The Wrestler is a simple movie that follows washed out pro Robin Ramzinski (a.k.a. Randy "The Ram" Robinson) as he finds wrestling gigs in American Legion Halls and tries to connect with an aging stripper and his estranged daughter. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but mostly you'll fall in love with The Ram in all of his puffy, self-tanned, steroid-filled glory. It's a great movie and definitely my favorite of 2008. My only criticism is casting pretty Marisa Tomei as "old stripper from a crappy strip club in New Jersey." Am I honestly supposed to believe that she's not getting any tips because of her looks? I've been to crappy strip clubs in New Jersey, and someone who looks like Tomei would get pah-lenty of cash. Honestly, anyone without pimples on their butt and who's not 3 months pregnant would be a fresh change in those places.

IMDB

Back on Track!

2009-01-13T12:00:00.005-05:00

Thanks to the support of my fans...err...fan, okay just me, I've decided to reenter the blogging world. Why'd I leave you ask? Busy at work, busy at grad school, but mostly because I forgot my Blogger username and password. Well I'm back. And since I've missed almost 6 months of reporting sports news, I've decided to some it up in a little poem:

The summer Olympics started off with a blast,
some guy named Phelps swam really fast.
The Rays tried and tried but it ended up tragic,
they were beaten by that green weirdo
the Phillie Phanatic.
The NFL suffered a bunch of messed up knees,
with none being the worst than Tom Brady's
who had a season-ending injury.
The year would be without Tom, yippee!
But we had a new/old player and his name was Bret,
who decided to trade in cheese for a big jumbo Jet.
The season ended, and many coaches were fired,
like those who would have been fine if Bret stayed retired.
Now we're at the playoffs and only time will tell,
who is the best team in the whole NFL.
The End.

Jake Brown Wins Third During X Games; Doesn't Die This Time

2008-08-01T19:48:00.005-04:00

The X Games started off with a bang, and not like last year when Jake Brown nearly turned into Humpty Dumpty. For anyone who doesn't know, there's an X Games event called Big Air where skateboarders catapult themselves down a long and practically 90 degree ramp only to hit a vert ramp and fly into the air; all while landing on a board and doing tricks. It's truly terrifying especially for someone who had a panic attack at her local skate park while 10 year olds whizzed by. That s*** is scary! Well, last year, Jake Brown from Australia fell 50 feet onto his back and nearly died but managed to come back this year and win third. Congratulations Jake Brown. You lost a frontal lobe but grew some balls.

Favre Offered 20 Million to do Nothing

2008-08-01T19:36:00.003-04:00

The latest news in Favre Frenzy 2008 is that the former Packer may be getting $20 million over 10 years to stay retired. The deal would ideally relieve the franchise from any more drama as well as halting his possible plans of joining another team. I really wish my ex-employers would offer me the same incentives to stay away instead of the usual restraining orders they dish out. And does anyone else get a Harry Potter vibe from the above photo? It looks like he just got off the field from a tough round of Quidditch.

Source

No Hamm on the Olympic Menu

2008-07-28T19:36:00.003-04:00

Gymnastics champ Paul Hamm won't be competing in this year's Olympic games. According to the AP:

"Besides persistent pain from the right hand he broke 2 months ago, he strained his left rotator cuff in his accelerated recovery effort."

Not only does he break his hand, but then hurts his rotator cuff trying to heal. That really stinks, although I have a sneaking suspicion that those tiny 12 year old Romanian gymnasts had something to do with this. They're so damn fast and nimble. Like highly competitive fleas. Ninja fleas.

Brett Favre to Become a Jet?!

2008-07-25T18:16:00.004-04:00

The Brett Favre fiasco is making my head spin. Is he staying, is he going, is he texting?! But one of the most intriguing Favre rumors is that he may possibly become a NY Jet. Cheese and apples do go delightfully together, and it would be nice to have a star quarterback on a team where one quarterback needs more experience and the other is a stubbed toe away from becoming a quadriplegic.

And is it sad that he looked older in that picture than he does now?

Tennis Player Decides to Show Off Her Wilsons in Playboy

2008-07-20T12:08:00.004-04:00

Ashley Harkleroad, some not-so-good tennis player, has decided to bare all in the newest issue of Playboy. I could go all feminist and start ranting about how it's sad that females in the sports world have to get naked to propel their careers, but honestly, in a week she's going to be collecting dust under a 14 year old's bed while everyone gets their jollies off clothed pics of Maria Sharapova. And maybe it's because I'm a heterosexual girl, but I can't get my eyes off her giant belly button. You could start running cavern tours in that thing. Click here for the cover to see what I'm talking about. It may be a little NSFW.

Brian Deeegan Has an Annoying Commercial

2008-07-16T22:13:00.002-04:00

I must have been blanking out or just switching the channels during ESPN shows because I've completely missed their X Games promos that have been torturing everyone's psyches. After seeing it a few times on YouTube, I have to admit that it makes me want to stick a pencil into my eye. Combine that with ESPN's way of cycling the same commercials every 5 minutes, and I'm surprised more people haven't started rioting.

No Hot Dogs on the Olympic Menu

2008-07-16T16:00:00.003-04:00

This is pretty gross, especially since I just had Chinese food yesterday. Apparently, Beijing tourist officials have recommended local restaurants to pull a popular dish called xiangrou off their menus. Why? Because it's dog meat. I've heard all the jokes about the stray cat shortage after the local Chinese buffet opened, but I didn't think it was still eaten. This is as sad as the day I tried to Google cute pictures of guinea pigs and found a bunch of them spread-eagle and fried to a crisp on a serving platter. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a chicken salad sandwich to eat. Yummm, chicken salad.

Source

"Young Gun" Outspits the Competition

2008-07-08T13:58:00.006-04:00

There's a new cherry pit spitting champion on the loose and his name is Brian "Young Gun" Krause. 30 year old Krause beat out his father, Rick "Pellet Gun" Krause, 56 feet 7 1/2 inches to 56 feet 1 inch at the International Cherry Pit Spitting Championship. His prize? A cherry tree in about 20 years.

Note: The above photo isn't the cherry spitting Brian Krause, but "that guy from 'Charmed' " Brian Krause.

Source

A-Rod's Wife Hates Her Husband, But Loves His Benjamins

2008-07-08T13:43:00.004-04:00

"Bye-bye moneys!"

I swear this will be the last A-Rod post for a while. Or at least for a few more minutes. The latest Rod drama is that Mrs. Rod has been going nuts with A-Rod's benjamins...and I don't mean in a sexy way.

"After the scandal broke, the source says Cynthia flew to Paris and “had spa treatments [and] went to the best restaurants” — all on A-Rod’s dime."

Supposedly she's spent close to $100,000 which made me wonder what exactly they were serving in these restaurants that came even close to that sum? When I blow 30 bucks at Applebees, I usually come out with bags full of mozzerella sticks and onion peels.

Source

World's Fastest Man Caught! By the Law...

2008-07-04T11:23:00.003-04:00

Former "World's Fastest Man" Tim Montgomery couldn't outrun the law. He's being tried for distributing heorine and may face up to 5 years of jail time. This is after he's already spent 4 years in jail for check fraud. His girlfriend Marion Jones, also an ex-Olympic runner, has also served a 6-month prison sentence for protecting Tim and his check fraud business. He must really be afraid of breaking up with her if he'd rather go to jail than face confrontation. That's what sucks about dating another runner; she always catches up to you when you try to dart out of the house. It's probably looks like a Whiley Cayote/Roadrunner scenario. "Um...I'll be right back, baby. BEEP BEEP!"

Source

A-Rod and Wife Might be Separating

2008-07-03T12:15:00.003-04:00

This A-Rod news will never end, and now it's being reported that the couple has called it quits only 3 months after the birth of their 2nd daughter. Yeah, divorces suck, but at least Mrs. Rod can finally be in a healthy relationship and spend her millions on a giant swimming pool filled with Myoplex. And A-Rod can start focusing on hitting a baseball once in a while.

Source

The A-Rod Plot Gets Thicker

2008-07-02T22:24:00.004-04:00

A couple of days ago I posted a story about A-Rod cheating on his wife (again) with Madonna, and now Mrs. Rod might be getting her revenge. Another highly credible news source, The New York Post writes:

"Cynthia Rodriguez has been in the City of Light for at least the past four days, and was seen at the rocker's Paris home his home there as recently as last night, sources said."

So the Rod's new thing is visiting musicians at night. Maybe they're not even doing anything bad. They're probably just watching reruns of "Family Matters" and pillow fighting.

Future Cat Fight Alert: A-Rod Possibly Cheating With Madonna

2008-07-01T10:49:00.003-04:00

A-Rod really likes his blondes because there's a rumor floating around that he's doing the nasty with recently divorced singer Madonna. The always respectable US Weekly reports:

"The $28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, at her spacious home and would sneak out "as late as midnight." Says the source, "All the doormen are talking." '

At least A-Rod finally learned his lesson and started cheating with someone who's as beefy as his wife. Now there's an actual fight. Cleaning up stripper guts every other day must have just become a drag.

Jake Long Makes a Lot of Money; Goodell Jealous

2008-06-27T22:20:00.003-04:00

Roger Goodell had a few choice words recently about rookies making a poop load of money without even being tested out.

' "There's something wrong about the system," Goodell said Friday. "The money should go to people who perform." Goodell referred to Michigan tackle 's Jake Long's five-year, $57.75 million contract - with $30 million guaranteed..."And that money is not going to players that are performing. It's going to a player that never makes it in the NFL. And I think that's ridiculous." '

Sounds like someone wishes they spent more time in the weight room and less time with their fancy text books. Ok, maybe it is a little ridiculous, but where else are you going to find a human being who topple over an apartment building by just accidentally sneezing? Two places: at the top of a magical beanstalk and wherever that auditorium is in the above photo. Plus those 2 girls are 6'2".

Source

Fresno State Bulldogs Started as Worst, Became Best

2008-06-25T23:22:00.005-04:00

Everyone loves a good Cinderella story and the Fresno State Baseball team is no exception. Their recent College World Series win has officially made them the lowest ranked team to ever win a NCAA championship in any sport. Of course uutil Montana unleashes their Mussellshell County Mockingbirds.

But seriously, Montana has the strangest county names I've ever heard. Here's a sampling (none of which are fabricated): Flathead, Deer Lodge, Beaverhead, Petroleum, Granite, Carbon, Mineral. Because you know what they say in Montana: you can't go to Beaverhead without a stop at Petroleum.

'Pacman' Jones Grows Sick of Yellow Dots and Cherries

2008-06-22T16:00:00.005-04:00

Adam "Pacman" Jones has decided to retire his nickname. On why he decided to nix the name, Jones says:

' "There's really just a lot of negativity behind it," Jones said. "It's just time for a change, man. I'm doing everything to make sure that I'm all right as a person, mentally and emotionally." '

His new nickname? Adam "I-swear-I'm-not-going-to-mess-up-this-time-Frogger" Jones. Catchy.

Source

Red Wings Dent Stanley Cup. Or Did They...

2008-06-19T22:13:00.005-04:00

The Stanley Cup dented? Cut, it, out!

There's a great mystery underway in the world of hockey and it has to do with whether the Red Wings dented the Stanley Cup they just won. The story is that one of the players dropped Stan when standing on top of a bar owned by a fellow player. But some are denying it completely. And there's even a video (see it here) of the cup minutes before its supposed plunge though there's no actual video of it being dropped. Judging by how many times I've dropped my cell phone after a few drinks, I wouldn't be surprised if this were true.

Fielder Declares: No Taxation Without Representation!

2008-06-18T22:40:00.004-04:00

Baseball's Prince Fielder is in big trouble for not paying his taxes; $400,000 worth. The AP reports:

"The Detroit News' Tax Watchdog blog published Tuesday a copy of the IRS' Notice of Federal Tax Lien filed against Fielder on Oct. 6, 2005. It was addressed to a residence in his name in Melbourne, Fla., and noted he owed a total of $409,149.14 assessed on Sept. 13, 2004, and Feb. 7, 2005."

If Fielder really did pay his taxes, I feel bad for the other Prince Fielder in Florida who now has the whole world knowing he's a tax bandit. Pretty ironic for a guy named Prince. Maybe in the kingdom of Fielderville, taxes are payed in high fives.

On a side note, can you believe there's actually a blog called the Detroit News Tax Watchdog? And you thought this blog was boring. Sheesh.

Source

The New Tiger Woods

2008-06-18T22:13:00.005-04:00

Even though the world is sad that Tiger Woods won't play another game for a while because of his knee, I always think we should be more positive. There are other clubs in the bag, and like a bad break-up, we need a rebound. That guy is Colt Knost. Standing at a majestic 5'9'' and with a heavy record of 8 events already played, Colt has what it takes to be our new golf hero. Oh who am I kidding? We need Tiger back. Golf's going to be as watchable as the Tour de France without Lance or spearfishing without Dennis Haussler.

He he, made ya Google.

Governor Ed Rendell Loses Hockey Bet

2008-06-17T11:00:00.006-04:00

Pennsylvanian Governor Ed Rendell lost a bet to fellow Governor Jennifer Granholm after the Red Wings won the Stanley Cup over the Penguins. I guess his punishment was wearing a bunch of Red Wings garb and posing next to some sausages, but it just looks like he's a bit "special."

NASCAR Officials Accused of Showing Off Their Dipsticks

2008-06-15T22:21:00.003-04:00

Tim Knox and Bud Moore, two NASCAR officials with the most NASCAR-appropriate names ever, are accused of exposing their exhaust pipes to a fellow employee. They've been suspended and it's a big hoop-lah, but what I want to know is how something like this even happens. Are you just standing around the employee lounge and when you ask for a coffee stirrer, your co-worker says, "I've got a coffee stirrer for you...it's my penis. Shazam!"

Source

Mike Tyson Pays $50,000 To Kill Someone

2008-06-13T22:57:00.003-04:00

Flesh eater and former boxing champion Mike Tyson reportedly paid $50,000 to have someone killed.

"Tyson put up the money to retaliate for the murder of his close friend and former bodyguard, Darryl "Homicide" Baum in June 2000 by three members of the gang including its leader Damion "World" Hardy."

"Homicide" is a a pretty threatening nickname, but "World?" What kind of gang is this? The Apple Dumpling Gang? I kid, I kid. Actually Mike Tyson scares the crap out of me and I'm surprised he even had to pay anyone and couldn't just make the guy's heart stop by just blinking at him.

Source

Tony Romo May Become a Music Video Sensation

2008-06-10T12:18:00.002-04:00

Frankly I couldn't care less about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson, but something caught my eye today and I thought I'd share.

"Jessica Simpson wants Tony Romo to star in her Come on Over video with her. Not only does she want Tony in to help peak people's interest in her first country video, but Jessica also wants to put an end to these rumors that their relationship is on the rocks."

Combining Simpson's crappy songs with Romo's inevitable bad acting sounds like a win-win. For the Philadelphia Eagles at least.

Source

Tony Romo's One Lucky Guy

2008-06-09T11:19:00.005-04:00

Tony Romo must really like big boobs because that's the only good thing about his relationship with Jessica Simpson. And now Papa Joe Simpson wants to get his hands on Romo's fortune by becoming his manager.

"A source tells Us Joe asked Romo, 28, to drop his agent so he could take over his NFL career and $67.5 million contract."

If Romo agrees to this it will be the best decision in professional sports since the XFL. Because who's more qualified to manage a rising NFL star than someone whose credits include a show called the "Filthy Rich Cattle Drive" and the movie Blonde Ambition which earned $384 in its opening weekend? Not even kidding.

Source

The BWB Reviews 'Semi-Pro'

2008-06-05T20:03:00.004-04:00

Will Ferrell making funny sports movies has become as frequent as Adam Sandler making funny sports movies. I use the term "funny" loosely thanks to The Longest Yard. Yuck.

In Semi-Pro, Jackie Moon (Ferrell) serves as the owner, coach, and power forward of the Flint, Michigan Tropics basketball team. The Tropics are suffering, but have the chance to become 1 of the 4 teams to go into the NBA. With the help of pro-baller Ed Monix (Woody Harrelson), the team is able to turn it around.

All in all the film was good for a few laughs, but only as a rental. Here's a little bit of trivia though. The bear in the movie (don't ask), ended up killing his trainer in real life. Chew on that.

Semi-Pro is now available on DVD and you can get it here for like 20 bucks: Amazon.

Owens Gets Paid in Popcorn

2008-06-04T15:56:00.002-04:00

Terrell Owens was presented with his signing bonus at a press conference: a gigantic tub of popcorn. Actually it was a joke and his real bonus was over $12 million. I think they were trying to occupy Owens' mouth on something besides talking. The other day I tried paying my bills with pieces of lint and some unwrapped mints I found in my pocket. And then instead of a stamp I just drew a crayon square with the words "40 sentz."

Source

Owens Offers Help to Keep Pacman Out of Trouble

2008-06-03T19:18:00.004-04:00

Hide your strippers because Pacman Jones is back in the NFL. And now everyone's voice of reason, Terrell Owens, has offered to help keep him on the straight and narrow.

"Owens, who is being recognized this summer as an Alzheimer's Association Champion for his work for the foundation, says Jones — who was suspended from the NFL after a series of arrests, including one stemming from a shootout at a Las Vegas strip club — should join him in his charity work."

How sweet. I have a feeling Pacman might think that working with Altzheimer's means you will gain the mystical ability to make people lose their memory. He's probably in his basement making a list of people to get. "Roger Goodell, check. Willie McNasty who owns that strip club I like, check. The entire NFL fan base, bingo."

Source

Minor Leaguer Traded for 10 Baseball Bats...No I'm Not Kidding

2008-06-01T23:13:00.003-04:00

File this under "this stuff really writes itself" because what happened to minor leaguer John Odom may be the funniest thing I've ever heard. Apparently the guy got traded...for 10 baseball bats.

" 'They just wanted some bats, good bats -- maple bats,' " Broncos general manager Jose Melendez said."

I guess being traded for good bats is a lot better than being traded for something like 3 wiffle ball bats or just a high five. That would be pretty sad.

Oh and I did the math, and those 10 bats cost a total of $655 because you get $3.50 discount per bat if you purchase more than 6.

Source

Being Sick Stinks

2008-05-31T22:46:00.002-04:00

Blegh, I've been ill for the last week so there haven't been many updates, but I'm starting to feel a lot better. I was actually going to post today, but now my night-time TheraFlu is kicking in and I'm feeling a bit woozy. So unless I want to go into a sports story about Herbert Smithbubblegum and his baseball team the Magic Cove Candy Corns, I better call it a night. Though it has been a killer season for those Corns.

News Update: More Evidence in the Belichick Being a Douche Case

2008-05-22T23:50:00.003-04:00

Another person has come out accusing Bill Belichick of using illegal NFL tactics this time coming from Ross Tucker, an ex-Patriot himself.

"Basically, the Patriots would put a player on IR, knowing it meant he couldn't play in a game or practice with the team for the remainder of the season. By skirting the rules and practicing him anyway, it allowed them to develop his skills during the year. A side benefit is that they were also able to give some of the older players less repetitions and, therefore, additional rest."

Being a Jets fan, I have to post these things or else they'll take away my foam finger. But Belichick's becoming that guy that you know is an ass so nothing really surprises you any more. I'd be more shocked if he actually did something good. Drove past a bus full of orphans teetering on the edge of a cliff? Meh, typical Belichick. Helped an old lady cross the street? What?! You don't say! Oh, then he kicked her walker and stole her coupons for rice pudding? Yup, that's our Bill.

Source
Photo

Stupid Sports Stuff

2008-05-22T00:16:00.003-04:00

After a long, hot 10k run, I like to relax with a refreshing bottle of pickle juice. I used to drink water, but it was lacking that salty dill flavor that I love so much in my sports drink. Hopefully Au Jus Sport isn't too far behind.

If you're a glutton for punishment or have some kind of strange pickle fascination, you can grab yourself a case of this stuff at Picklejuicesport.com.

NFL Has Awesome News...Or Not

2008-05-21T23:23:00.004-04:00

Browsing my sports news websites that are in no way cooler than my own, I was very excited to see that the NFL is throwing around an idea to add a 17th game to the regular season. And then I kept reading.

"But if the NFL decides to increase the number of regular season games it will play in foreign countries beyond the one to two per year to which owners now are committed, it could decide to add a week to the regular season to devote to a slate of overseas games while subtracting a week from the preseason."

Because nothing says "I'm ready to kick butt" like a major case of jet lag in a country that keeps calling them "goals" instead of "touchdowns." But it gets better.

"Goodell also said that holding a Super Bowl in a city outside the United States is a long-range possibility."

Great, NFL. Make it even harder for Americans to get to the Super Bowl. I have an idea. Why not make people do things like have a pool party in lava or build a 600 foot tower made of cotton balls in order to get tickets? Or making Bryant Gumbel remotely interesting.

Source: Washington Post

Jon Lester Beats Cancer and Now Nerves

2008-05-20T12:33:00.002-04:00

Jon Lester threw a no-hitter Monday night against the Kansas City Royals. This feat comes 2 years after being diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. For anyone who watches Curb Your Enthusiasm, that's the "good kind." But I digress. Actually I can't even imagine how nervous I would get by the end of that game if I were pitching a no-hitter. I imagine it's the same way I feel when I'm playing that bowling game on my cell phone and I'm at the 9th frame with all strikes. Yeahhh, now that I think of it, it must feel exactly like that.

Source

Mike Tyson Makes a Movie About Himself

2008-05-18T20:36:00.003-04:00

An actual screen shot from the movie 'Tyson.' Move over 'Ironman.'

The Cannes Film Festival was the first to unveil the movie Tyson, a documentary about the life of Mike Tyson. In the film, Tyson admits to have "mesthed" up quite a few "tyamesth" in his life, so much so that he feels lucky to be alive. Okay, making fun of his voice is a little too easy but I can't help myself. Apparently the movie did quite well and won some kind of Cannes accolade. I'll probably see this movie. Not because I find Tyson particularly interesting, but mostly because I want to know if he has any connection with Tyson chicken. And I'm afraid he'll bite something of mine off. Ahh, hooray for out-dated topical humor.

Source

Site Update

2008-05-16T14:03:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, people. It's college graduation time for me and I've been super busy with all of that. But it will soon be over and I will get right back to satirical sports news.

And Google Adsense has dropped me like a greasy baby. This news has nothing to do with sports, but I'm a little ticked about it.

A Rod's Baby Freaks Him Out

2008-05-06T20:42:00.004-04:00

Baseball's Alex Rodriguez greeted his first child by passing out. According to the AP:

" "As tough and big as he seems, he is real wimpy around doctors or any type of medical situation," Cynthia Rodriguez said, according to excerpts released Tuesday by YES. "I don't know why I thought the birth of our child would be different. In the middle of the night, I realized that I needed to go to the hospital. I wake him up. The first thing that comes out of his mouth, `Can we call your mother?' ... A few hours later, I said, `I think you can call my mom now.' Uh, and the color came back to his face when I told him he could call my mom." "

Afraid of any medical situation? I thought A Rod was pretty experienced in gynecology. And you'd figure he's seen enough female hoo-hah not to be surprised. I'm still stunned A Rod even decides to cheat on his wife. She looks like she could bend iron with her baby toe...er...I mean a lovely woman who I am not at all afraid of.

Shocking Steroid Allegation!

2008-05-06T16:49:00.002-04:00

Eight Belles, the unfortunate equine victim of the Kentucky Derby, may have used steroids. Gasp! A blood sample has been requested after her autopsy to test for any performance enhancing drugs. First of all, an autopsy? She broke both her ankles and was euthanized so I don't think the cause of death is such a mystery. But the steroid news is a shocker. Pretty soon it's going to be revealed that she had an affair with a 15 year old stallion. Hehe, take that, Rog.

Source

Hockey's Sean Avery Has Attention-Seeking Organ

2008-04-30T18:39:00.004-04:00

It's his spleen. Ha! I bet you thought it was something dirty. Apparently his had to be hospitalized for a lacerated spleen and some internal bleeding. I have the feeling that his spleen was in a little need of some appreciation, and to appease my own spleen so it doesn't start beating up some of my other organs, here are a few facts about it: it filters our blood, helps fight infection, is about the size of a fist, and is located somewhere behind the stomach.

So here's to the spleen! Do you think that the spleen, appendix, and tonsils get together and bitch about how damn popular the lungs and heart are? And eat doughnuts with cigarettes in their mouths out of spite. Oh wait, that's silly...spleens don't smoke!

Source

The number of times I used "spleen" in this post: 8. Number of times I've used the word "spleen" in my lifetime: 8.

Useless Sports Trivia: Barry Zito's Uncle Is...

2008-04-30T13:59:00.003-04:00

Patrick Duffy! According to Wikipedia which I always value as an accredited news source, Barry Zito's uncle is the legend that is Patrick Duffy. I must have missed that episode of Step by Step when Cousin Barry comes to visit. According to the same source, Patrick Duffy and Barry have a few things in common:

Patrick Duffy "is an avid collector of antique dolls and children's books."
Barry "carries pink satin pillows on the road, collects stuffed animals (such as a good luck teddy bear, with which he used to travel)."

I didn't know there was such a thing as a creepy guy gene.

Source

Baseball With Grudge Takes Revenge on Umpire

2008-04-28T21:50:00.004-04:00

Don't mess with this baseball.

Umpire Kevin Danley was sent to the hospital after being pelted by a 96 m.p.h. baseball. The Union-Tribune AP reports:

"Umpire Kerwin Danley was released from a hospital early yesterday morning, about five hours after he took a 96 mph fastball to the right side of his jaw – briefly losing consciousness when the pitch from Los Angeles Dodgers right-hander Brad Penny slammed into his face mask."

For some reason I can't imagine getting up from a hit like that without my tongue hanging out because my jaw's been torn off like something from a zombie movie. Ugh, there go my dreams of becoming a professional umpire. At least now I can focus on becoming an astronaut ninja. An astronaut pirate ninja. Awesome.

The BWB's NFL Draft Picks

2008-04-26T15:53:00.007-04:00

You may have been reading and listening to a ton of "experts" talking about their top picks for the draft, but here at the BWB, we have some picks of our own.

1. Adamm Oliver, DE. Because the extra "m" stands for "mighty good."
2. Fernando Velasco, C. Because it would be fun rooting for someone named Fernando.
3. Tim Bugg, LS. Because he's a long-snapper named Tim Bugg. Need I say more?

Eh, I was barbecuing today and burned my foot so my humor's a little tarnished by pain. Note to self, no more combining hot coals with sandals with wind. Now I know why they say never to fry chicken naked. Not that I was naked...or was I, wink?

Today's a Big Day!

2008-04-26T09:47:00.004-04:00

Canadian curling champion Kevin Martin took the title in the Canada World Men's Curling Championship. He scored 2 points in the ninth end and won 6-3 over Scotland's David Murdoch. This marks Martin's first win although he did take 2nd in 1991 and 4th in 1997.

Ha! April Fool's! It's the NFL Draft Day, people, which means stars will be born, hearts will be broken, and angels will get their wings. The BWB will have exclusive coverage later today direct from my living room couch.

Source for the curling story in case you're interested.

Stupid Sports Stuff

2008-04-25T22:59:00.002-04:00

I love big balls as much as the next guy, but this thing is ridiculous. It's a 50'' sphere of plastic that "provides hours of fun for one of more children." Hours of fun?! That poor girl is holding on for dear life before she gets steamrolled by something like looks like a green killer tomato.

This thing will cost you 50 bucks and can be found here: Onlinesports.

Sorry Ladies, This Manning is Taken

2008-04-23T10:58:00.005-04:00

While I was watching infomercials all day, Eli Manning was getting married on some beautifully warm island resort. His new wife, Abby McGrew, spent her time like this:

"Meanwhile, the future Mrs. Manning donned a white bikini and spent her time poolside, tanning, talking and thumbing through fashion magazines with her girlfriends. A few of the bridesmaids managed to laugh off hangovers after partying on the beach the night before."

I have nothing to say but PRENUP! I jest, I jest. Actually, I love weddings. Mostly because I'm that person who has a few too many and ends up doing the Chicken Dance to every single song.

Source: Daily News (check out this link for a funny picture of Eli and Giant's Shaun O'Hara floating around in a pool).

Mayor Steals $20,000 from Little League

2008-04-21T15:09:00.004-04:00

Little Timmy just found out there will be no pizza party after this weekend's game.

Mayor Jim Nehmens and his wife Kelly from California are in trouble for stealing $20,000 from Little League coffers. According to the Washington Post:

"The former mayor was president of the Adelanto Little League, and his wife was a board member during the years the money from the league's annual fireworks sales went missing. The money was taken over three years starting in 2004."

20 grand in three years selling fireworks?! Damn, and I wasted my vacation in Virginia looking at stuff George Washington stood on. I should have been loading up the van with Roman candles and cheap cartons of cigarettes.

Taylor Hates Flipper

2008-04-19T10:02:00.003-04:00

There's some upheaval in Florida and it has nothing to do with the old people featured in our last post. Miami Dolphin's resident spoiled brat, Jason Taylor, wants out of the Sunshine State. According to Yahoo! Sports:

"Taylor remains a Dolphin, but that’s not what he wants. Publicly, Taylor is putting a big smile on everything and saying all the right things. However, he has told the team that he’d like to take Huizenga up on the owner’s offer, according to multiple sources close to the player."

When asked about why he wants the split, Taylor said, "I just wanna dance!" Source: my brain.

Note: The above is an actual photo of Taylor as a child with a dolphin.

Miguel Tejada and Old Ladies Have Something in Common

2008-04-17T18:21:00.003-04:00

Miguel Tejada of the Houston Astros has come clean about his real age. The National Post reports:

"Tejada admitted to Astros general manager Ed Wade on Thursday that he is actually 33 - two years older than he is listed in the team's media guide.

Tejada said he wanted to correct information he gave to the Oakland Athletics when he signed with them in 1993. Tejada, who grew up in a poverty-stricken town in the Dominican Republic, revealed that a youth coach encouraged him to say he was 17."

Lying about your age is only acceptable when you're that 44 year old guy in a Jonas Brothers chat room telling everyone you're a 13 year old girl. By acceptable, of course, I mean totally creepy.

Note: Don't Google image search "old man" with the content filter off. There seems to be a demand for photos of old men having "sexy time" with young ladies. I've actually had to cut out my eyeballs, so excuse any typos.

1920s + Football + George Clooney = 1 Movie

2008-04-16T19:59:00.003-04:00

Yeah, Leatherheads came out a while ago, but I actually saw it and thus must write about it. I've also just realized that I used the word "thus" twice today already and thus must read a thesaurus. But, here is my review of Leatherheads in a few words:

Old timey, that funny guy from 'The Office,' George Clooney, cow, Renee Zellweger looking like an old pitcher's mitt, and popcorn (popcorn wasn't really in the movie but I was eating it so it counts).

All in all, it wasn't bad but it could have been better. It was no The Gameplan, that's for damn sure.

Patriots Want a Relaxing September

2008-04-16T16:01:00.004-04:00

The NFL schedules have come out thus slightly calming everyone's football fever at least until Draft Day. The New England Patriots must have made previous plans for September because their first few games are as easy at that girl I went to high school with who had more Hepatitises than I knew existed. Here is their schedule:

1. Kansas City Chiefs
2. NY Jets
3. Miami Dolphins
4. BYE Week
5. San Fransisco 49ers

Those are surely going to be some nail-biting games. I hope Brady doesn't pull anything while he's cleaning out his gutters during week 4.

College QB Tries Slapstick Comedy. Fails.

2008-04-13T15:11:00.005-04:00

Jeff Erhdingdongheart, did a stupid thing when he tried to prank a campus police officer by pushing him down and stealing his ticket book. Someone bet him $20 that he wouldn't do it and now he could be facing 10 years in prison. Good going, Jeffrey. Not only did you risk your career and education for 20 bucks, but you also probably made that tiny little campus cop piss himself.

Note: I cannot spell his last name no matter how hard I try. Too many h's and r's make my head hurt.

Source: Rivals.com

Dear Matt Leinert

2008-04-11T19:31:00.004-04:00

Dear Matt Leninart,

You're no longer a freshman in college. In fact, you're a professional in America's favorite and most lucrative sport. So stop being a douche bag! And quit acting like that old fraternity brother who everyone keeps around so he can buy alcohol but really they think he's a loser who can't make friends his own age. And if you see someone with a camera, don't use a beer bong. The end.

Yours truly,
The BWB

P.S. I heard you used to date Paris Hilton. That's just gross. I also heard you used to live with Nick Lachey. That's just strange. And I heard you used to get drunk and pee in your sock drawer because you thought it was the toilet. Oh wait, that was me last Friday. Damn half-priced margaritas.

For the full set of Matt Leinart booze pictures, go here: Bad Leinart

I'm Back Baby!

2008-04-08T22:55:00.002-04:00

Yeah, yeah, my "vacation" turned out to be ridiculously long (at least in my head), but now I'm back damnit and I've got plenty of news to post and poke fun at.

Vacation Time

2008-03-17T09:48:00.003-04:00

I'm going to be a taking a few days off for my vacation. I'm actually at the condo right now, but there's no WiFi and the neighboring hotel I'm stealing it from has a shi**y signal so no updates until Thursday. I'll still be taking your sports news tips through email.

UNC's Tyler Hansbrough Takes Funny Pictures

2008-03-16T09:41:00.006-04:00

UNC had a 68-66 win to Virginia Tech in the Atlantic Coast Conference opener which meant that it was an exciting game. But the best highlight was one man: Tyler Hansbrough. Let's go through some of Tyler's best moments throughout his UNC career thus far, shall we?

First there's this shot of Tyler reacting to that Duke players obvious foul stench. Or his own. Either way Tyler is smelling something stinky and he does not approve.

Then there's this shot of Tyler getting b****-slapped by yet another Duke player who was probably pissed that Tyler didn't have his V8. Duke's very serious about their vegetable juice.

Now we have this photo from UNC's game against Virginia Tech. I would just like to point out that Tyler's self-tanning cream is doing a marvelous job on his right leg.

And finally we have Tyler's senior pictures. Ah, the JC Penney photo studio never produced better work. Tyler makes a lovely bumble bee.

Photo: AP

Bode Miller Is Intimidating!

2008-03-15T09:57:00.005-04:00

Remember when Bode Miller was teed off because one of the World Cup races were canceled, which gave his opponent the victory? No? Well read this blog more! Anyway, he had no reason to worry because he won thanks to his opponent, Cuche (which my 14-year-old mind believes it's pronounced 'coochie' like the special female part), deciding not to participate in the final race. Who knew that Alpine Skiing was so dramatic? The only logical series of events was that Cuche awoke, pulled up his bed covers, and found the head of a horse you ask? Even worse...the head of a snowman.

Source

Note: Don't let that picture fool you. Bode's thinking up all the ways to kill a man with a piece of dental floss.